Sommaren 2018 var jag 25 år gammal. Mitt i natten ligger jag på en brits på psykakuten i Jönköping. Jag gråter och har precis varit med om, vad jag uppfattar, en nära-döden-upplevelse.

Under våren 2018 har jag kört totalt slut på mig själv utan att riktigt reflektera över det. Trots att jag vaknat i fullständig panik under nätterna, brustit ut i gråt inför jobbet för jag känt mig så stressad och trots att jag egentligen mått dåligt så har jag skjutit det ifrån mig.
Jag är en väldigt tävlingsinriktad människa som har en bakgrund inom idrott på ca 20 år. Samtidigt har jag under min uppväxt varit väldigt osäker, haft dåligt självförtroende, varit rädd för att misslyckas och velat se så bra ut inför andra som det bara går. Jag har brytt mig väldigt mycket om vad andra tycker om mig och jag har inte riktigt tänkt på hur jag själv känner.

Många känner säkerligen igen sig och många har säkerligen på samma sätt som jag under många många år byggt upp en väldig press på sig själv. Samtidigt har jag inte velat visa mig svag inför andra, med rädsla för att verka dålig eller misslyckad.
Alltså har jag hållit alla dessa känslor inom mig vilket resulterat i ännu mera press och stress.
Sommaren 2018 fick jag min allra kraftigaste panikångestattack och jag var helt säker på att jag höll på att dö. Kroppen ville inte samarbeta längre. Jag kunde inte andras, inte svälja, hjärtat rusar. Det svartnar för ögonen. Nästa sekvens så ligger jag i min frus knä och talar med tårar i ögonen om för henne att hon måste lova mig att hälsa mamma, pappa och mina syskon att jag älskar dem. Jag tror just då att jag aldrig kommer få se dem igen. Jag talar också om för min fru hur mycket jag älskar henne och att även när jag är borta måste hon minnas hur mycket jag älskat henne.

När jag någon timme senare ligger på den där britsen på psykakuten i Jönköping så får jag veta från en läkare att jag, som tur var, inte var på väg att dö. Han talar om för mig att jag har haft en panikångestattack och att jag har gått in i väggen.

Jag gick in i väggen tjugofem år gammal. Den där panikångestattacken var för mig det värsta jag upplevt, men det blev också min vändning. Den hjälp jag fick från min psykolog och den stöttning jag fick från familj och vänner fick mig på banan relativt snabbt igen. Jag brukar säga att jag sprang in i väggen och studsade tillbaka ut igen.

Idag är jag 28 år gammal. Jag heter Markus Runhager och jag pratar om psykisk ohälsa.
Just nu håller jag på att starta mitt eget företag då jag börjat föreläsa men jag arbetar också som konsultchef inom bemanningsbranschen. Jag bestämde mig tidigt för att inte hymla om vad jag varit med om. Ju mer jag pratat om min historia i diverse podcasts, bloggar, föreläsningar osv så har jag insett hur viktigt det är att vi gör just det. Pratar om det.

Jag har inte på något sätt varit mobbad. Jag har en fantastisk sammansvetsad familj och en fin uppväxt. Jag har många vänner som bryr sig mycket om mig. Ändå kunde jag må dåligt.
Psykisk ohälsa är ett väldigt brett begrepp och det går inte att jämföra olika människors upplevelser av psykisk ohälsa. Vi är alla olika och tacklar medgångar och motgångar på olika sätt. Oavsett tycker jag att det är viktigt att vi vågar prata om det och slå ner tabun som än idag kan finnas kring ämnet. Ju fler vi är som är öppna kring våra upplevelser, desto fler vågar öppna upp sig och desto färre känner sig ensamma i sitt mående.
Idag vet jag att jag inte gick in i väggen för att jag var svag eller misslyckad. Jag gick in i väggen för att jag genom press, framförallt från mig själv men även chefer. Jag var snarare överambitiös och ville för mycket utan att se konsekvenserna. Jag fick lära mig att prioritera mitt eget mående i första hand istället för att fokusera på att göra alla andra nöjda.

Jag har kommit långt idag. Jag föreläser, jag pratar i podcasts och jag har över 21.000 följare på LinkedIn som stöttar mig och gillar det jag gör. Det är stort för mig att få den respons och må så som jag gör just för att jag vågar visa mig sårbar. Jag tar hjälp och jag hjälper andra.

Det är alltid svårt att få ner sina upplevelser och sina tankar i en kortare text men du som läser får gärna kika in på någon av mina sociala medier eller lyssna på någon av de podcasts som jag gästat tidigare. Håll gärna utkik efter kommande föreläsningar.

Avslutningsvis vill jag skicka en riktig styrkekram som inte mår bra idag. Jag är övertygad om att du också kommer må bra snart. Hör gärna av dig till mig om det finns någonting jag kan hjälpa dig med eller om jag kan komma med någon form av råd.
Jag vill också hylla Elin och Alltidtillsammans som är riktiga hjältar som kämpar för någonting så viktigt. Kärlek! / Markus

Vill ni nå mig på mina sociala medier så finns jag på:
Instagram – markusrunhager
https://instagram.com/markusrunhager?igshid=1rd8nyij5si8r
LinkedIn – Markus Runhager
https://www.linkedin.com/in/markusrunhager

Vill ni höra mig berätta mer i någon av de poddar jag gästat så kommer dem här:
Framstegskonceptet avs.62 – Markus Runhager, en smak av döden
Vi lyfter avs.33 – ”Jag var helt säker på att jag skulle dö”, Att gå in i väggen, med Markus
Soluret Podcast, avs.61 – Markus Runhager, ”Våga ge dig själv möjligheten att våga lyckas.”
Bli din bästa version, avs.91 – Markus Runhager: Psykisk ohälsa & att välja tankar
Bakom Fasadenpodden, avs.27 – Att gå in i väggen och hitta sitt syfte, Markus Runhager

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