Mitt namn är André och jag är 28 år. Jag har gått igenom perioder i mitt ett liv som jag inte trodde att jag skulle överleva. Min uppväxt var destruktiv redan från början och jag har sedan tagit mig igenom drog- och alkoholmissbruk, behandlingshem, dåliga erfarenheter av familjehem, övergrepp och självskadebeteende.

Att uppleva en destruktiv uppväxt orsakar skador. Jag växte upp med skilda föräldrar och flyttande mellan nya städer och skolor, jag har ofta tvingas börja om och träffa nya vänner och att ständigt försöka passa in. Under min skoltid blev jag mobbad och utsatt för våld. Jag kände mig hela tiden rädd och ensam och jag bar ständigt tankarna om ”Varför jag? Vad har jag gjort? När ska det ta slut?”. Mobbingen och all otrygghet gjorde att jag kände mig fruktansvärt misslyckad.

Som 13-åring fick jag diagnosen ADHD och i samband med detta började jag boxas för att försöka stärka den svaga lilla killen som jag kände mig som.

Utanförskapet fortsatte dock. Som 17-åring hamnade jag länge och längre ner i ett destruktivt mående, och in i ett umgänge som jag helst ville fly ifrån. Tillslut bestämde sig socialtjänsten och mina föräldrar att jag skulle placeras i ett familjehem. Att jag skulle tas bort från det som sakta höll på att förstöra mig totalt, men jag var så rädd. Rädd för vad som skulle hända och rädd för var jag skulle hamna. Och vad skulle jag säga till mina kompisar?

I slutet av sommaren, då jag var 17 år, anlände jag till familjen jag skulle bo hos. De första månaderna var det obekvämt och jag pratade inte med någon, men tillslut öppnade jag upp mig och tack vare att det så började jag må bättre och känna mig mer och mer som en i familjen. Andra året började jag till och med kalla kvinnan i familjen för ”mamma”. Det skulle dock visa sig att det inte var så bra som jag trott. Efter drygt ett och ett halvt år öppnades istället helvetets portar. Fosterpappan började skälla ut mig för minsta lilla och jag blev tvungen att göra extrema och slitsamma sysslor. Jag fick ta ett väldigt stort ansvar för huset, hästarna, deras barn och den stora gården vi bodde på. De började ha fester varje helg och jag blev utsatt för både fysisk och psykisk misshandel och många hot. Till slut var jag rädd precis varje natt och de hotade med att jag skulle hamna på gruppboende om jag berättade för någon. När jag hade blivit 21 år började fostermamman komma mer och mer intimt nära mig. Vid flera onyktra tillstånd ville hon ta på mig och försökte förföra mig.

Varje gång någon från socialtjänsten kom på besök så ljög jag, av rädsla. Innerst inne ville jag skrika och berätta vad som egentligen pågick. Jag hade ingen jag kunde prata med om vad som skedde hos fosterfamiljen.

Det gör så ont att en familj som skulle hjälpa mig och ge mig trygghet istället gav mig ärr för livet och gjorde mig mentalt dränerad. Jag tappade förtroendet för precis alla. Det ledde till att jag kände mig så psykiskt förstörd att jag inte såg någon annan utväg än att försöka ta mitt liv. Till slut tog jag dock ett stort steg och ringde efter hjälp. Det ledde till att familjehemmet lades ner och jag blev fri från dem. Jag fick en lägenhet i Umeå och flyttade hem.

Åren gick och såren och ärren finns kvar. Jag hamnade ofta i bråk och bar på mycket hat. Jag hamnade i fel umgänge igen och hamnade i ett mörker som jag aldrig hade kunnat föreställa mig. Flera gånger försökte jag ta emot hjälp men drogerna och alkoholens dragkraft var starkare, de dämpade min ångest snabbare. Tyvärr blev inget bättre av det utan istället sämre och mitt ständiga försök att fly ifrån allt gick inte så bra.

Flera gånger reste jag utomlands och försökte gömma mig själv i en skugga som aldrig fick tid att läka. Så många nätter som jag kurade ihop mig i fosterställning, så mycket smärta. Smärtan var så stark och jag hade mycket mardrömmar vilket gjorde att alkoholen och tyngre droger kändes som det enda alternativet. Jag var fast i ett missbruk och hade så många sår och så mycket ångest.

Den psykiska ohälsan hade svalt hela mig och tagit över hela min kropp. När jag var 23 år gammal gjorde jag ett självmordsförsök. Jag överlevde och idag känner jag att det var en extrem tur att jag klarade mig. Där och då bestämde jag mig för att påbörja en resa mot ett förhoppningsvis bättre liv.

För att ta mig dit krävdes många år av KBT, träning, samtal och möten. Jag tog emot hjälp som kändes läskig och som jag inte vågade först. Men den hjälpen bidrog till att jag kunde börja acceptera den jag är och vad jag varit med om. Jag klarade av att jobba mig upp från botten. Jag tog också hjälp av erfarna förebilder som levt ett liknande liv. Idag hoppas jag kunna vara den förebilden för andra.

Jag mår bättre nu och vill idag kunna bidra till att förändra synen på psykisk ohälsa och göra något som jag brinner för, både för min och andras skull. Jag vill hjälpa unga vuxna att må bättre i sig själva. Med rätt hjälp när det behövs, vänner, familj och vägledning så går det att må bättre. Jag levde med svår psykisk ohälsa och känner mig nu fri från mitt mörker och har hittat en ljus tillvaro.

Nu bor jag med min sambo och vår son och känner dagligen lycka. Jag känner mig starkare än någonsin och upplever att jag har ett mål där jag även kan stötta och lyfta andra. Jag drivs av att få göra skillnad för andra, att de ska känna att de får vara med och känna att de inte är ensamma.

Följ mig gärna på instagram under @vagavaraviktig

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